Friday, April 27, 2012

The Packing Starts Here

Hey guys!

I just got back from meeting with our new landlord, so the packing starts today! We're set to move memorial day weekend, and I haven't started any of my packing. So let me apologize in advance for not updating as frequently as I want to.
I'll keep today's post short as I can already hear the cats making a mess out of my linen closet.

Let's Pretend This Never Happened

Yes, I've been reading the new Bloggess book, and I love it. Unbelievably funny. Seriously, even funnier than she normally is on her blog, which is already hysterical. My husband does not appreciate my attempts to read passages out-loud to him. He says he already know what it's like to live with a crazy person, he doesn't need insight into what some other poor man is going through.
Shocking.. really. He doesn't know what he's missing.

Alright guys, I'll try to post, but no promises! I have a huge two bedroom apartment to pack up, and only 8 days off to do it in.

See you soon!

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Phoning It In

Damn I'm Busy

 Hey guys! I've been super caught up with things elsewhere on webspace, and just haven't had much to talk about right now. We did hear from the landlord, and yes it was nothing at all. He just wanted to know if we were happy here, and to let us know that he wasn't raising the rent this year. The strange part was that in an effort to soothe my panic, Husband found us a new apartment to move to that's two houses down from us, and $300 less. So I think we're moving anyway. Weird, huh? The new apartment has a basement (it's actually more of a house than an apartment, really), and a yard that I can plant in, rather than growing all of my flowers in pots on the deck. Oh! It also has a FIREPLACE! Which means I can totally decorate properly for Christmas this year. FUCK YAH!
Snow falling softly outside of our sliding glass doors, while a fireplace burns merrily in our hearth. OMFG I love this idea already and it's still Spring!

So we'll be moving in June, which means I have a bunch of mad packing to do. Holy shit do I ever... it's only just hit me as I type this..
Sooooo, I might have another anxiety attack on the way. Fuck my life.

Nah, I'm kidding... fireplace.

Dieting... Like a Boss

 I weighed myself yesterday and I weighed.... are you ready?

I mean really ready? Because this is good.

Sure? You're ready now?


I weigh 215lbs! I've lost 5lbs since I started this bullshit. And you know what, it has gotten easier. I'm using MyFitnessPal to track what I eat, and what exercise I do and it's starting to show. The other day I ordered a salad from McDonald's (shut up... It was my only option at that time. Unless I chose not to eat at all.) Before when I'd ordered the salads at fast food places, I'd eat it, and then still be hungry. But I got halfway through it and was uncomfortably full, so I just tossed the rest. And totally had guilt over it because you know there are starving kids out there who would have loved to have had that salad you thankless horrible person! Gah... Yes that actually went through my mind.
I totally should have been Catholic, I have a very well developed sense of guilt. I'd have fit in perfectly. I feel guilty for everything. Kill a spider? Guilt. Eat meat? Guilt. Squirt my cat with water for peeing in my plants? Guilt!
I'm totally rambling now. FOCUS!

So obviously this method of accountability is working for me, which is fantastic. I still need to get a treadmill, and I want one very badly because we're getting into the rainy part of the year here, and I don't want to lose any ground. I may just start jogging in place like a derpface with the blinds drawn so no one looks in and reports someone having a seizure in their apartment.

Copy & Paste!

So the rest of what follows is a re-post from my old blog. I stole the idea from Lauren, so if you hate it... well don't blame her because she's super adorable, and sweet. You can't hate her even if you try, and I don't know why you'd try.. you awful person. 

So, it has been a while since I've updated on here. But since very very few people are reading this, it's okay. :P Seven has fully recovered from her owie, and her claw has grown back in with no issues. There was some concern that it might curve into her paw when it grew back in, but no. It's perfectly normal.

The cats still steal our food, like tiny, fur-covered bandits. But there are added distractions now. Like birds. And fish. Oh yes, nothing is quite so amazing as the 50 gallon fish tank in our dining room. Especially Betty. Betty is a black moor goldfish. (Is she really a "gold"fish if she's black? Discuss.) And for some reason, Data and Seven are obsessed with her. Not that we don't have other fish in the tank mind you. But they only want to harass Betty.

When we first got the 50 gallon, Seven decided to throw herself into it. While it was full of water. I watched it happen, in slow motion. Time ground down slowly, like bullet-time, as I watched her put her tiny paws on the top, and heave herself up and over. Her little body slid over the lip, and into the water, where her head immediately dunked itself under the surface. I don't think she was expecting the water, for surely she'd have requested tiny water-wings if so. Her eyes bugged wide open and she flailed frantically for a mere half a second before surfacing and scrambling out of the tank of kitten doom. It seemed so much longer than it really was. I can still picture her face as she realised what had just happened. She blamed me for it too. I could tell in her eyes as she licked herself off. Why had I not warned her? Why had I not stopped her? I tried to explain that I would have, but it happened so fast... unfortunately I couldn't stop laughing long enough to make words.

Soon, we added an occupant to the tank, which was Betty. She must have thought that she'd won the fishy lotto, since she was the only occupant of the 50gal for a number of days. Seven and Data would both sit on the table in front of the tank, and watch her swim, like fans at the slooowest tennis match ever. Back and forth, back and forth. Eventually though, all good things end, and we moved Betty into her actual home, which was a 10gal "hospital tank". That's how she acquired her name btw. She's "Nurse Betty". Seven's obsession finds new heights with the move, while Data's shifts to the birds outside, as the weather has by this time warmed up some, and the birds have returned en masse to the feeder outside our window. (The fact that I bought peanuts for the chipmunks and squirrels may have also contributed...)

Here's Seven with Betty                                      

We added fish to the large tank, and everything was going swimmingly (hurr) until one day when I had the lid to Betty's tank off, to feed her. Seven had forgotten the very important lesson she'd learned while she was inside the water of the big tank. Namely that water is wet, and she doesn't like it when it's deep.
So once again, swimming cat.
Unfortunately, this time around, we had a minor casualty. Betty sustained an injury, and the water of the hospital tank was now really yucky with cat fur. So I had to put Betty in the larger tank to recover from her injury, which is the opposite of how that shit is supposed to work, for reasons I'm about to disclose.
Betty developed a serious infection in the wound, and contracted ich. Shortly thereafter, everyone else in our tank had it. It's like freeking herpes or something... jesus. It really spreads fast. The rainbows were just COVERED in it, and the pleco succumbed within days of infection. A quick eulogy and a burial at sea followed. (It was lovely, many kind words were spoken and tears shed. We had bad wine and lemon cake afterwards during the wake)
They're all fine now (except the plec, of course... though I suppose he's fine too now. In fishy heaven, or the vast nothingness of the tea-time of the soul) and once she was all healthy Betty showed her true colors.

She is a horrible, horrible vandal.

She methodically made a route around the tank, and chewed through all of the stems of the plants I had put in the tank. The real plants. No plastic things for my tank, no sir. She's eaten about $45 worth of plants at this point, I think. I'm not sure what to do about her now. I thought about trading her to the pet store I bought her at, in exchange for credit towards another fish, but Seven loves her so much. (Loves? Hates? Wants to eat?.. I don't know. We'll go with it.) So I'm considering putting her back in the 10gal, but then she'll be lonely. Am I putting too much thought into this? Probably.

In other news, Sean has a full time job as a bartender at a really awesome new restaurant. The downside of this was that Data was home alone, all day, for a few days. So last Sunday, he felt he needed to talk to me about this.
When Data "talks to me" about issues he has, it usually takes the form of peeing. Thankfully it's never on the carpets, or the walls like some male cats will do. But it's always very clear.
Like the last time he had an issue with me, he dragged a towel around the living room, until it was in front of his litter box. He then proceeded to pee all over the towel. When I tried to pick him up to stop him, he just looked at me and kept peeing.
"Do you see what I'm peeing mom? I'm peeing my anger."
Turns out I had forgotten to clean his litter box for a day or two. Unacceptable, mom. And he let me know it.

Well, he had issue with dad not being home, so while I was getting ready for work, he tried to pee in my potted palms. I caught him, and wrapped plastic over the tops, so he couldn't dig in the rocks. He watched me do this, and then when he was SURE I was paying attention, peed in his cat bed.

Not really sure what he was thinking, since it's HIS bed, but hell I'd rather he do that than pee all over mine!
It's better now, as Sean is going into work at around 4pm, and I'm home by 5:30, but he's watching us in case we shirk our duties to him again.

 Wrapping Up

If you guys are interested in fish as well as cats, I can do a post next time about the tank, and how it looks today. I really want to say "Leave a comment on what you'd like me to post about next" but my blog isn't big enough for that... 


Till next time folks!  

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

Alone I Break

(Not a funny, or cute post today folks. Feel free to skip this one if you only come for cat photos, or laughter)

My anxiety is worse today. We recieved an email from our landlord saying he'd like to speak with us about our lease. Now, it's probably nothing. I mean, I think we're good tenants (if we're not, the other people here have said nothing) and we have always paid our rent on time. But I'm in a horrible panic over it now.
Of course, I also sometimes hide in the hallway when he mows the lawn, because that's the only place in our home besides our closet that doesn't have windows. So... Yeah.

My hands are shaking, I'm sick to my stomach, and I barely slept last night. I burst into tears for no reason this morning. I hate this so much. I feel like a prisoner inside my head.
I understand this though. The anxiety will be followed by a crushing depression, or if I'm really lucky, I will have both at the same time. I'd say it's like a dear friend, whom you know well... But this is not my friend. A friend has warm connotations of comfort, and support. This is like the whip you know too well. You know the pain, you know the burning it leaves behind it. You remember the smell of your own fear, tears and blood that it leaves in its wake. You know it so well, that you forget to fear it sometimes. You forget that there were times when you were not subjected to its abuses. You forget that it doesn't have to be this way.

Honestly, though I know that it really DOESN'T have to be like this, I can barely remember a time when it wasn't. I can recall all the way back to Elementary school, waking up in the morning, and vomiting because I couldn't stand the idea of sitting in that classroom. I wasn't bullied, I was teased maybe a little, because I was shy, and awkward, and overweight. But for the most part, the other kids merely ignored me. And I ignored them, spending my recess period reading a book in the grass rather than playing.
High school was the same, despite the fact that I lost my baby chub, and was moderately popular, with many friends. I would just suddenly panic at the very idea of going to school. I wasn't even a bad student! I don't think my mom had ever heard of Generalized Anxiety Disorder, so no one knew how to help me. (By the way, that link was sort of alarming for me, as that laundry list of symptoms is basically a run down of my day to day existence) We sort of just thought I was a sick kid. I didn't realize.

It wasn't until after my son was born, and my fiancee left me that we realized there was anything wrong. I had an attack so severe that I was convinced I couldn't breathe. I thought I was dying. I was terrified, and... it was awful. I can remember the feeling of dying, of thinking I was dying.

*pauses for a deep breath and a sip of tea*

They put me on medication after that, which quite honestly made everything worse. I was given Paxil, and also Valium. Which seems to me in retrospect, a bad decision by the doctor. After a few months, I quit taking them, because while I didn't feel anxious about anything, I didn't feel anything at all. Not even when my little boy would cuddle me. Afterwards, I wasn't covered by any sort of health care, so I haven't been on medication for this for... *thinks* 14 years.
Wow. That's a long time.

I want to beat this demon. I want to be okay. I want to feel safe, without having to make my husband stop everything he's doing and hold me.
Did you know I don't drive? I don't. I want to, but I don't. Every time I get behind the wheel of a vehicle, I become certain that I am going to kill someone with the beast of steel that I have been put in charge of. Ironically, my husband says that when I forget to be afraid of driving, I'm an excellent driver, with no real bad habits to speak of.
Not driving limits my life in so many ways. There's so much I want to do, but I'm hampered by the limits of public transportation. I've been wanting to go to Chicago, and see the aquarium there, but I haven't because I would need to drive there, or make my husband drive me there.
I hate this.

Well, at least this has been cathartic for me. I feel a little better. I still have knots in my stomach, but the tightness in my chest has eased. I can't eat, but I can breathe now. *laughs*

Anyone who also deals with this, please know you're not alone. It's okay, you're not weak, and you're not "crazy". It doesn't have to beat you. We can walk this path together, and come out into the light.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Tiny Trips to the Tiny Vet for a Tiny Cat

Seven Has An Owie

So, Seven, while she is probably the cutest cat I've ever seen (forgive me, I suppose that most people think their kittens are the cutest, like parents all think their kid is the cutest, or the smartest, or whatever) however, she's not the brightest kitten. She gets into some remarkably silly things. And ends up in some troublesome situations.
As I mentioned in my last post, she has only been to the vet once, and it was entirely her own fault. I thought we had another visit lined up when she stepped on the burner of the stove the other day, but thankfully she wasn't there long enough, and the burner had cooled enough that while I'm sure it didn't feel good, there was no damage.

Silly creature.

We didn't witness it happen, so we can't be certain what occurred, but I noticed Seven's paw was wet, so I went to dry it off. That's when I realized it was blood on her paw.
Upon further inspection, she was missing her dewclaw... all of it. It wasn't broken, it wasn't just injured, it was gone. All that was left was a bloody stub.
I cleaned it the best I could, and looked online for what to do. Some of the suggestions were to keep an eye on it, and see how it does. In retrospect I realize that this is for a partially broken claw, but we hadn't picked a vet for her yet, so we thought we'd give it a day and see how she did. She was obviously not bothered by it at all, since she was playing, and eating as normal.
I think she must have caught it in the carpet of her cat tree, and then perhaps fallen from it. It's the only thing I can think of, since the rest of our home is fairly cat-proofed.
After a day of observation, it had scabbed over and looked clean, so I just kept cleaning it with warm water, and then started searching for a vet. We found one, and we made an appointment, but we had to wait two days.
At her vet visit I was glad when the vet told me I'd done exactly the right thing. She gave Seven and antibiotic shot, and informed us that she'd done such a good job of removing the claw herself, that they didn't need to do surgery. *laughs*
It was a month or two before it grews back all the way, but she's doing just fine. 

It seems unfair that I spend so much time talking about Seven, however, Data is just such a good boy. He's such a love, and so gentle. I've never had scratches from him (my husband has a HUGE one right now, but that's another story).
Though, I do wish he'd quit having a wee in my cacti... -_-
Here's some photos to admire of our beautiful Data.

Diet and Exercise 

 I've been just awful the past 2-3 days. And my husband is NO HELP AT ALL! He totally had me bake chocolate chip cookies last night. And I make some awesome cookies. They're moist, soft, and melt in your mouth. So what I'm saying here is I made them, and ate two of them.


So, I think what I'm learning from keeping this blog, is my Number One, is my Number One Enabler. I'm being good today so far though. I've had tomato soup for lunch, and a banana.

...and only one cookie.


Woke up with a bad attack of anxiety this morning, which was bad. But at least for once I know the source! My son goes back home to North Carolina tomorrow, and I go back to work. I don't want my kid to leave, but he has school to get back to, and friends. I also know that nothing will have gotten done while I was on vacation, so it's a good thing I enjoyed this week, because I used up all of my time off for a while, and I'll have to play catch up like hell.

It makes me angry, and frustrated with myself that I feel like hiding all the time. Just this rock solid dread sitting in the middle of my chest making it difficult to think, or breathe. I tell myself that I am an AWESOME person, who has had really AMAZING experiences. I am smart, and funny, and people seem to genuinely like me. I try to remind myself that I am capable, clever and that I've always managed to handle anything and everything that people have thrown at me, usually without breaking a sweat. But I have a hard time believing myself most days.

The weird thing is that while I was bouncing around from place to place (and country to country in some cases) I never worried about things. I was alright, as long as I had a little money, and a way to get a hold of a friend. It's real life I can't seem to get a hold of.

Being a grown-up blows.

Signing off?

I feel like I should have a way of ending each blog, like a catchphrase... Hmph. What do you guys think?

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

It's The Little Things In Life... (with photos)

I Feel Hungover

But I'm not. I somehow woke up with a queasy stomach, and a headache despite not drinking. Perhaps it's the ghost of my younger days, when I would drink until I could barely see and then wake up fresh as a daisy the next morning, coming back to haunt me. I also managed to hyperextend my right knee while making the bed last night... don't ask me how, I'm just that freeking graceful. Despite all this, I plan on going for a very nice walk today. I still don't have my treadmill for my exercise and I'm behind on my goals. So walking it is!
Thankfully we have some beautiful biking trails around this city, so I'm going to walk along those, and probably chase some frogs, or lizards.

Because I do that sort of crap.

Easter Weekend

So I hope everyone had a fantastic weekend, no matter if you celebrate Easter, Passover or just the awesomeness of having a bloody long weekend. I'm not religious in any real way, but Sunday was my birthday, so we celebrated! WOO!
My mother-in-law (who is religious) decided to make twice the food apparently, so we could have two celebrations at once. There was enough to feed a squad of US Marines.. no joke. There was also two cakes, and a pie at the end of it. Shockingly, I didn't gain weight that day. Neither did I lose any, but I considered it a minor miracle anyway.

My son, who flew in from his dad's in North Carolina for Spring Break, ate till he popped, and then fell into a food coma on the sofa, while the oldies chatted over our pieces of sugary goodness. (I had the red velvet cake YUM) He's gotten pretty damned tall, this child of mine, and is becoming an adult before my eyes. Makes me feel old, and sad. I want to hug him back to being a little boy again.
It's not the most flattering photo, sorry. But you can see the shaved head really well. I can hardly argue about the hair, by the way, since when I was his age I shaved my head in the exact same manner. So I decided to handle it the same way my mother did.
"It's your head. You have to live with it until it grows out."
It takes all the fun out of rebellion when your parents don't care. ;) I had taken it a step further, and dyed it colors, but he declined when I offered to make his hair blue and green to match Easter eggs. Boy, I sure know how to ruin his fun. *grins*
He looks like a young (drug-free) Sid Vicious here.

 Also part of the Easter fun was the brand new puppy that my mother-in-law got. Her name is Daisy, and she's a pure-bred Golden Retriever. I personally wouldn't ever pay for a pure-bred, because not only have her dogs cost her arms and legs, and most of her internal organs to start with, they also have more health issues than any mutt I have ever owned. They are very well loved dogs though, and she can afford the medical costs, while my husband and I cannot. As a matter of fact, we've only had to take our "pound kitties" to the vet once for something outside of their usual wellness check ups for their shots. (I'll post about that next time though, as it's a pretty funny story.)
Now, since everyone loves puppy pictures, and Daisy is without a doubt the most "AWWW" inducing puppy I have ever met... Without further ado: Daisy.

Mini-Sid with Daisy
My gorgeous husband (Also known as "Number One") with Daisy

If your head doesn't explode from cute, you should see a doctor.

Spring Cleaning!

Yesterday  I made a list of stuff to take care of around the house for my annual spring cleaning marathon, since for the first time since ...well, for the first time in my memory actually, I have the whole week off at home. I took the week off to be with my boy, so I figured we could use it to clean as well as spend time together. (because I'm REALLY not good with idle time. Blogging helps me with this, I need shit to do.)
One of the things on my list was to wash all my linens, and then fold and put them away again. The Winter sheets sets get wrapped in plastic, and stored with a dryer sheet or two, and the Summer sheets get pulled out of the same plastics, washed and placed on the beds, or put on the linen shelf for later. Now I know most people find folding the fitted sheets difficult, and I did too until I developed my technique for folding. I thought that I would help everyone by sharing this great way to fold that I developed myself. If it helps you out, please let me know in the comments!
That's all there is to it!

I'm sure I had more to talk about, but now all I can think about is that it's nearly 1pm, and I haven't started my walk yet, or had anything to eat. So until next time, when we'll discuss my cat's vet visit, and perhaps post photos from the walk.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Oh, Captain! My, Captain!

Busy As A Bee

Sorry, I swear I'm not dead, just very very busy.

For the first time in many years, I had a four day weekend. My husband and I drove up with his dad and sister and spent the whole weekend with his Aunt and Uncle in St. Paul Minnesota. It was my first time in the twin cities where I got to explore a bit.
His uncle's house was GORGEOUS! A restored historical home near Summit Ave, and it was the most beautiful home I think I've ever been in. Marble counters in the bathrooms, skylights in our guestroom.. lovely.

Next week my son will be with me for the whole week, and I'm taking time off of work to focus on him. But I'm sure I'll have time to post here.


I'm still doing well on my diet. I lost some ground in St. Paul, what with all the eating out at restaurants. But not too much ground. I'm down to 219, and I had gotten to 218. I think I can make that up in a day or two with exercise and watching my binging. Which may be difficult as my birthday falls on Easter this year, so cake and candy will be every-fucking-where! Wheee!

Moderation, everything in moderation. 

I will post more later on, in the meantime here's some geek affirmation. If you're unfamiliar with The Guild, you should watch them. They're on netflix I think, or you can watch them here.