Friday, April 12, 2013

Where I've been hiding.

Hey guys, I'm alive...

Sorry for the long silence. It wasn't really intentional. I've been dealing with a massive amount of anxiety lately, and by lately I mean for months.
Things came to a crescendo in Mid-January when I was so depressed, and paranoid that I decided to end my life. I made all the preparations, and was writing out a letter to my husband. By some miracle, my husband came home hours earlier than he was supposed to have, and I was halted.

After much soul-searching, I went to my mother-in-law and spoke to her about all the issues I'd been having, and she lovingly encouraged me to seek help. I've been seeing a therapist for a few weeks now, and going to group therapy sessions. Eventually, I should be able to get on medication to assist me.

It seems I have been living with PTSD for many years, due to the abuses my ex put me through, and some other events from my past. I'm currently unable to answer the door if I'm home alone, unless I know who is there already, and I can't bring myself to answer the phone if I don't recognize the phone number. It was very hard to go to work for a while, but I've gotten to a point now where being at work is okay. It's hard to not feel safe from things in your own home though.

Quite honestly, I'm afraid of everything right now. Every knock on the door is our landlord coming to evict us (despite our rent being paid, and being completely compliant with our lease). Every phone call is someone calling to tell me my husband has died in a car wreck, or is divorcing me, or is calling because my son is gone (despite my husband being a safe driver, despite him being loving and loyal, and despite my son being too big to kidnap, and too well-behaved to consider running away). I shake all the time like a shelter-rescue Chihuahua.

Slowly I am getting better, but it's a long process. Every day I am glad that Husband came home early. I keep a letter to myself in my back pocket now, with a list of everything that is good about myself, and the people who would miss me terribly if I were gone. With it I have a mantra that I use as a shield when I become afraid. Some of you who are more literary may recognize it.

I must not fear.Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

I repeat it to myself whenever I feel anxious, and it does seem to help. I am also taking up knitting because apparently it is very good for those suffering from PTSD. Something about the back and forth repetition. I am also starting to jog, and go to the gym with friends. For weeks I couldn't keep much food down, so I lost 9lbs a little too fast. I'm trying to keep that weight off, but do it a healthy way. 

Please feel free to ask questions, I'm trying to be open about any struggles just in case someone randomly stumbles across this blog at a time when they are in need. If you are in a desperate situation, please email me. I will listen, and I will tell you as many times as you need to hear that you are not alone.


  1. Hey Kat,

    First, actually having gotten to meet you in person I can honestly say that you are an amazing and generous and loving person and I am SO happy your husband came home early that day because you bring such a unique spark to the world.

    I'm glad you've identified and are working on all of your issues and I hope the skies continue to clear a bit more each day.

    1. Thank you <3 I loved meeting you too. I'll have to shoot you a message next time I'm in town. :)

  2. So lovely to see you writing again! We have missed you. And I'm glad we didn't have to miss you for a worse reason...

    You are not alone. All of us who deal with mental illness are in this together. You are important, you are loved, and you are needed.

    Don't go. Please stay. These are the words that The Bloggess taught me via her blog, and they are words that keep me going through my darkest moments. I guess you could say that it's a part of my mantra.

    You should stay too. This world can be pretty good sometimes, and it's better when you're in it.

    Thank you for writing this post. Thank you for being brave enough to write this post. And thank you for being brave enough to keep fighting.